2:04pm June 23, 2004 ~ choices
from Andrea Siegel's like the red panda:
Today in my mind I can actually see the way that every day is a chain of rules made up of completely random opposites, and there are even arbitrary ways of breaking those opposites down. I mean it's like this picture is floating around in my head (or a better way to describe it might be a chart) and the sheer number of branches on the chart is horrible. I can do this or this or this or this or this or this or this. And I know that a lot of people choose to see all those choices as proof of the great variety of life's path, but what's pretty obvious to me is that when there are so many paths, they all become weak and shaky. Which one stands out among the others? Last week I was supposed to smile at the man because it's polite to smile, and today I choose to be impolite. I don't think I'm any different for the choice. I don't thing there's any gratification in the choice. But what there is finally is some kind of satisfaction that comes with knowing that ending life is the last rung on the chart, and it's one that doesn't branch off in a thousand directions. And I don't have to pretend that it will, and honestly, that makes me a little calmer.
- 32 -